Words that are missing from the English language part III

Okay, it's not really a word that's missing from English. I've been thinking about idioms, and I have come to what will probably seem to you quite an unusual conclusion: German is a really beautiful language. Not because it sounds nice, not because Germans have a particularly nice accent when they speak English and not because the grammatical structure is beautiful (though it is regular, I'll give them that). But the way in which they can create compound words that mean exactly what you think they should mean is a wonderful thing.

I bet you're all wondering where this is going. I'll cut to the chase - I think we need to introduce the German word "Handschuhschneeballwerfer" as a borrowed word in English. It literally translates as "One who wears gloves to throw snowballs", and is used to describe a coward. I think it's the best idiom I've ever come across in any language.

Effective learning

It's the lectures, classes, seminars and meetings where you leave with your head swimming with new concepts that seem just beyond your grasp that you learn the most from. Those situations that you leave the room fully understanding the subject never grant you with deeper insight - it's always the ones that make your head spin that herald the dawning of a new understanding.

Colourful cars

I'm very much a function-before-form kinda guy - after all, I'm an engineer. So if I were to buy a car, the colour would be very low down on my list of priorities. However, I'm certainly not going to say that I wouldn't care. Even I can see that there are times when it matters. But it would appear that not everyone appreciates this. Specifically, if you buy a large estate car and you decide on buying it in black, be aware that it will look like you're driving a hearse. I've seen quite a few hearses recently (I think I'm currently living near a funeral director), and I can tell you, all black estate cars look like hearses.

Air rage

Flying budget airlines is a generally awful experience. There's none of the glamour or special treatment from the golden era of air travel left. But by far the worst thing about flying budget airlines is that it really brings out the worst in people. Everyone becomes even more selfish than usual and seems to want to screw each other over just because they can. It really doesn't help foster faith in human nature.

Relative seediness

I was watching trash TV last night - a programme on Sky Three about Britain's dodgiest pubs - and there was a bit about a pub that had strippers at lunchtime. There's something about it happening at lunchtime that makes it so much seedier than people going to a strip club in the evening. I wonder why that is.

Perceived sizes

Most of you who know me will be well aware of the fact that there are some things that really screw with my perception of size - most obviously the pint-and-a-half glasses at the Cricketer's Arms in Oxford, but also other things like Arul's umbrella and the unbelievably cheap Asda barbecue we had at Imperial this year. The latest addition to the list is the act of pitching a tent indoors. If you have a tent, try it - your tent will never have looked bigger!

Words that are missing from the English language part II

I've noticed that a lot of these thoughts occur to me when I'm in the shower. I don't know what it is about my cleansing ritual, but I suspect that it's the sensation of the warm water and the state of relaxation that it brings that focuses thoughts and opens the mind's eye. It could also be down to just having five minutes where I'm not distracted by anything more taxing than operating a shower brush and so my mind is free to wander. Archimedes' "Eureka" moment was said to have happened in a bath. I think we might be onto something here.

The French have a lovely phrase "l'esprit d'escalier" - which literally translates as "staircase wit". It's a phrase that refers to that belated moment of inspiration that strikes as you wander down the stairs leaving a party - be it coming up with a pithy retort to an insult or a witty reply to a question. The Germans have the same phrase - "Treppenwitz". I think we need a similar phrase in English for the moment of brilliance that takes you as you scrub your back - I suggest "bathroom clarity", but feel free to make alternative suggestions.

Actually, sitting down with a cup of tea has much the same effect on me (and I suspect, most English people) - perhaps "teapot clarity" would be just as appropriate.

Terrorist inefficiency

I was watching the news last night, and there was a video clip of some terrorist group threatening to bomb the Beijing olympics. In the video, there were three people, all of whom were swaddled in some form of head dress that covered their entire faces, leaving a tiny slit through which to see, though you couldn't even really see their eyes. It struck me that if you're going to do that, you might just as well send an audio recording and a photo instead. Much more efficient.

The wisdom of Bacchus

There's a surprising amount of profundity to be found in the incoherent ramblings of drunk people. I just experienced what may just be the apogee of alcohol inspired depth. As I was cycling pretty quickly up a hill in Temple Cowley, a drunk chav took a break from mocking his also rather drunk friend (who'd fallen over on the pavement and was struggling to get back up) to inform me (as I zipped past) "Mate, your wheel's going round". Truly inspired.

Group stupidity

The larger the group of people, the lower the overall effective intelligence. This effect is most evident in seeing a large group attempt to divide a restaurant bill and is largely independent of the group's members' individual intelligences. Linked to this is the fact that the larger the group, the longer it takes to make decisions and the slower the group walks.

Old friends

Friends come and go, but there are some that, no matter how long it has been since you last saw them, it feels like no time has elapsed at all. These people are the friends that are worth hanging on to!

Giving notice

Why is it that the further afield people come from, the less warning they seem to give you? My friends who are in Oxford can give me a two weeks' notice or more that they're going to be free so that we can meet up, but my London friends (Daniel in particular) will typically ring me up and say "I'm in Oxford, are you free?".

Demoralisation

There's absolutely nothing more demoralising than moving. I can honestly say that there is nothing that you tend to have to do that I hate more. Packing is just plain depressing.

Words that are missing from the English language

Coffee and bacon smell much better than they taste. Durian fruit tastes much better than it smells. I feel that we need a word to describe these states. Suggestions on a postcard...

Free food

Sometimes, not even the promise of free pizza is enough to make me want to go to lunch with someone.

A question of politeness

Asking the question "Can I ask you a question?" is inherently rude. Clearly, someone who asks it feels the need to have the other person's permission to ask a question, yet they are doing so anyway.

English speaking foreigners

It's really weird what English words foreign people know. A German friend of mine just amazed me by using the word "psychosomatic". I know plenty of native English people who wouldn't know what that means.

[Edit]Okay, maybe that example is a bad one - there is the same word (psychosomatisch and also psychosomatik - though I confess I don't know the difference in meaning) in German. But my point still stands![/Edit]